Seeking toxic friendships to help fill the social void in my life. Willing to accept any poisonous personality traits in order to feel a little less alone. Personality traits may consist of but are not limited to:
Must be willing to socialize with me outside of school.
I will understand that, by walking through the front doors of our school building, our friendship is null and void. I won’t even mention that we spent the entire weekend watching Pete and Pete. Matter of fact, I won’t even look at you if it makes you happy. You’re right. No one needs to know you socialize with friend repellent. I get it.
Must actively participate in the reconstruction of my self-identity.
I’ll allow you to dress me in whatever you find suitable from your own closet, and you can put brightly colored makeup on my face if you want. I will gladly listen to whatever music you deem tasteful. You may also choose my other friends, significant others, and dietary restrictions. After all, you’re doing this friendship for me and I really appreciate that.
Must be into committing acts of freeloading and theft.
I won’t notice when you steal clothing from me, and I’ll happily pay for dinner again. I’ll give and give and give (that’s how friendships work, right?) in the hopes of keeping this fragile comradery intact. You’re free to take full advantage. I’ll drive you to work every day. I’ll cook you a dinner you’ll never eat. I’ll put 110% into your passion project, but I won’t even think about asking for compensation. Who needs that when you have experience and friends, amirite? I promise I won’t even notice the missing food and wine I bought at the grocery store the other day. I’ll just go get more. No biggie!
Consistent negating is also a must.
Like all toxic friendships, be sure to keep my ambitions at a comfortable level with your self-worth. Jealous of a part I got in a play? Feel free to question my talent and offer coaching services to ensure that my performance is sub par. Nervous about the amount of workload headed your way after I succeed at a certain task? Remind me how hard it is to make it in the industry, and assure me that staying at the amateur level is “where I shine.”
Must portray general fucked-upness.
It’s okay, you can stand with the popular kids and laugh after I’ve tripped over that ankle that was inconveniently placed in my path. I get it. It’s funny. I won’t accuse you of being a bad friend for sending a handful of naked photos of yourself to my ex-boyfriend while I was having a nervous breakdown over the breakup. Don’t worry! You don’t have to call me a “crazy bitch” for sticking up for myself when you walk all over me. It’s cool. You’re my toxic friend!
If you are interested in applying for this toxic friendship position, applications should be directed to my mom. Compensation is provided upon request.
Jo Anna Van Thuyne is an actor, comedian, and producer residing in New York. Her column, Why Can’t We Be Friends?, posts every Thursday. Check her Snapchat/Twitter/Insta @JoPincushion.
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