The Return of Mackey Mouse

Macey Mouse

It’s been many moons since Mackey Mouse last appeared. You’ll know him when you see him. He looks like Mickey Mouse, but he has a long, black mustache. He whirls it with his fingers like a disheveled villain. He wears the same puffy white gloves as Mickey– but his are smeared with dirt… and regret.

Born of the same mother, but a slightly different father, he needs no introduction when he walks in the room. The loud gasps will serve as ample warning. While Mickey excelled in baseball and socializing, Mackey was the family’s constant disappointment. While Mickey painted murals for the community, Mackey sprayed them with pee. Midge Mouse claimed she loved her boys equally, but somehow Mickey always got the bigger steak at dinner, the car keys, and the girl.

That’s right. Long before Mickey ever batted an eyelash at Minnie, Mackey was day-dreaming of when he would finally gather the courage to ask her out. He was a trouble-maker, yes, no one could argue with that. But he had a soft side, brought out by his two favorite things in the world: building model trains, and dreaming of Minnie Mouse. Sometimes simultaneously. It made for a very confusing track structure.

There are rumors of how the last encounter went down, but I think the final straw that broke the Mickey-Mackey trajectory was the day Mickey confiscated Mackey’s journal. Yes, Mackey kept a journal–which revealed that the day he would finally ask Minnie out, Mickey jumped the line and did it instead.

Some argue that Mickey always harbored special feelings for Minnie, but if you ask me, he did it to spite his younger brother. And boy, did it work.

It’s easy to blur the details of the past, so as I sit in my writer’s studio by the fire, I take a moment to ponder it further. Really think about it. From where this duck sits, wearing no pants and a sailor’s cap, I feel awful sorry for Mackey.

It must be something terrible to be THE Mickey Mouse’s younger brother. Everyone adores Mickey: kids, parents, women, even ducks. Yes, even this duck gets warm thinking about young, buff Mickey lifting a car off an orphan. And that’s just my fan fiction.

So, yes, Mickey asked Minnie out and naturally, she agreed. Even though she had her own secrets (read: pyromaniac) who wouldn’t want to be seen with the swellest boy in school?

“Sure I’ll go steady with you!” were her exact words.

Mackey, overhearing this from around the corner, turned beet red and charged at his brother.

“Steady, huh Mickey?! Why I ought to make you un-steady on account of the hits I’m going to lay on you!”

…Comebacks were never really his thing.

He swung his fist at Mickey, who ducked (quack quack pun) and threw back. Squeals all around the cafeteria. The mice took to rolling and punching, screaming, pulling tails and biting. But we all knew it was over when Mickey smashed Mackey, square in the jaw. Teeth flew everywhere.

Mackey collapsed. In a move of desperation, he turned to Minnie and muttered,“But I loved you first.” Before limping away.

We were all flabbergasted by someone, I don’t remember who started a slow clap. Escalating to a roarus applause, “MICKEY! MICKEY! M-I-C-K-E-Y!”

“Mickey Mickey Mouse!”

“We love you, Mickey!”

He laughed it all off, discarding the praise in a good-natured gesture.

He never looked back at this brother. But I saw Mackey get in a black Sedan and race away. Some suspect it was Jafar driving, but I know that it couldn’t be. He had multiple DUI’s at that point.

I will always remember that look on Mackey’s face: anger, quiet contempt, and regret. He sped away. No one has heard from him or seen him. Until today.

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Emily Menez is a writer, comedy nerd, and dinosaur enthusiast. Follow her on Twitter

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