I Love This Place Because They Have Dipping Sauces

dipping sauces

This restaurant is absolutely perfect.

Stop asking what they serve, what does that even matter? Didn’t you see they have dipping sauces? Not just ketchup and mustard, they have a whole bar of them!

I know you keep saying the menu’s not well thought out, the food’s not nourishing – and I hear you – but what do you expect? Healthy ingredients prepared sensibly? Ridiculous. I mean, sure, we all want that but ultimately all you’re doing is setting yourself up for disappointment. Just take whatever bullshit’s in front of you and coat it until it’s unrecognizable and palatable enough to consume. Make your food hot or tangy or sweet or I don’t know, the point is, it doesn’t matter, just ignore the problems with it and make it SEEM to taste like what you want. That’s called compromise!

I know you keep arguing for complex flavors with depth but how are you going to sell that to the American public? You can’t. But you know what you can sell? Ranch dressing. For the global citizen, Sriracha. And sure, some people want to feel sophisticated, learned, even morally superior, so name your mayo “aioli” and call it a day.

I’m not sure why you say I live in a bubble when I am pretty much open to any dipping sauce you want to put on this basket of whatever this is in front of us. What’s the other option? Going hungry? Acknowledging this establishment doesn’t really care about us and only wants our money? Starting our own place? That’s exhausting. Anyway, we’re already here OMG THEY HAVE CHIPOTLE MAYO YAAAS!

Maura Quint is a writer whose work can be found in publications such as McSweeneys, Runt of the Web, Someecards and on twitter at @behindyourback. She would be happy to name your band but you have to let her sing back up sometimes. Her mic doesn’t need to be on.


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