5 Diseases Hillary Clinton Could Have And Still Be Better A President Than Donald Trump

Although they started as mere rumors on disreputable Conservative websites, even mainstream media has now begun to report on Hillary Clinton’s alleged health problems. Last week, Fox New’s Sean Hannity had the audacity (or sheer contempt for journalistic integrity) to play a clip of Secretary Clinton which he claimed demonstrated a seizure. Rumors now center around a series of alleged neurological disturbances, with some even claiming that Hillary travels with a handler who constantly carries anti-seizure medication.

But here’s the thing. Even though there is no credible support for these findings, it really doesn’t matter because even if Hillary did have these disease, or any number of diseases, she’d still be a better President than Donald Trump.

5.      Stroke

A stroke is defined as the sudden death of brain cells caused by disruption of blood flow. Some strokes can even kill the part of the brain that censors speech, leaving our would-be President unable to stop herself from saying all sorts of inappropriate things.

But is That Worse Than A Trump Presidency?

By his own admission, Donald Trump says the wrong things. That’s probably why he’s called Hillary Clinton both a great and terrible Secretary of State, why he’s been pro life and pro choice, and why he was in favor and then against the Iraq war. I mean, he’s said all sorts of things no one who hasn’t suffered a stroke would typically say, like implying Megyn Kelly’s debate questions were harsh due her menstrual cycle or that he’d probably date Ivanka if she weren’t his daughter.

4.      Seizures

Seizures can be caused by numerous conditions like epilepsy, chemical imbalances, and/or infections. Some seizures are characterized by the uncontrolled shaking of limbs in a spastic manner.  While there is no credible proof of Hillary suffering this condition, it is true that such an affliction would present an obstacle to her daily governance.

But is That Worse Than A Trump Presidency?

With Trump in office, we would have no medical excuse for when our Commander in Chief jerked around spasmodically – unless we were admitting he was merely mocking a New York Times reporter who suffers from arthrogryposis.  Yep, remember that classy moment when Trump impersonated a reporter with a condition that causes contraction of the joints? Given that choice, most Americans would probably choose a President with an actual seizure disorder than Trump’s viciousness.

3.      Alien Hand Syndrome

Here’s one you might not have heard of. Sufferers of Alien Hand Syndrome have lost the ability to control their own hands or as scientists call them, “nature’s back scratchers.”  They just have a mind of their own. While no one has claimed Hillary suffers from this condition, the election is still two months away and it’s not like there was any support for the other claims either, so it’s best to be prepared. There’s just no denying that a world leader with fingers flying willy-nilly could make for some mighty difficult leadership challenges.

But is That Worse Than A Trump Presidency?

First off, the goals of the Republican Party would probably be best served if the likes of Hannity and Drudge steered clear of “Alien Hand” allegations. There’s already been far too much press about the mal-formed nublets that are The Donald’s fingers without inviting speculation as whether his digits are human or other-worldly.  But more importantly, the worst thing about Hillary having Alien Hand Syndrome would be something like her accidentally flailing about and hitting “the button” – y’know, the button.  But that’s something Trump seems all too eager do –like on purpose—according to reports that he asked a foreign policy expert three times in one hour about launching nukes.

2.     Jumping Frenchman Syndrome

Here’s one you might have missed in Biology Class. Jumping Frenchman Syndrome is a rare neurological disorder characterized by an extreme startle reaction, consisting of jumping, screaming, flailing the arms, hitting, or throwing objects. To put it in layman’s terms, someone with this condition is just too quick to jump, and it’s not the kind of disease that would suit Hillary well as Commander in Chief

But is That Worse Than A Trump Presidency?

Is there a better word phrase for Trump than “too quick to jump?” Well actually there are probably lots, but none that I can use in this article without setting off your workplace spam filters. Here’s a guy who cannot take the slightest criticism without lashing out in a full out attack, and, y’know, see the nuclear option referenced above…

1.      Death As A Result of Complications From Being Crushed By A Falling Safe

Not gonna lie. Hillary being crushed to death from a falling safe would definitely be a setback to her goals as our next President. Although it should be noted, her death probably wouldn’t stop Republicans from continuing to investigate Benghazi. But here’s the thing. If she died, Tim Kaine would become President and if Tim Kaine were standing next to Hillary when the safe fell, then the Presidency would go the Speaker of the House, who at this time is Republican Paul Ryan. And if Clinton, Kaine, and Ryan were all under this safe (imagine a huge safe) the line of Presidential succession would continue on and on, but at no point would this falling safe condition lead to the Presidency of a bigoted billionaire private citizen with no leadership qualifications.

Wayne Gladstone is the author of Notes from the Internet Apocalypse, Cracked.com Columnist, creator of Hate By Numbers, and the next Doctor on Doctor Who. Follow him on Twitter at @wgladstone.

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