Vladimir Putin’s Vacation Tips

Translated by: имярек

Hello! It is me again, President Vladimir Putin.

I’ve been having so much fun on vacation. My day planner is filled with manly activities like spear fishing and parkour so that I may relax and recharge before heading back to the Kremlin. Since I’m having such a blast, I decided to step away from my holiday to share with you, my American friends, some of my favorite vacation tips.

You too can vacation like the great Vladimir Putin! Here are my favorite vacation activities. Fun for the whole семья!

Fishing (Shirtless)

Nothing gets you closer to nature and vitamin D than fishing by the Siberian mountains. Reeling in a catch reminds me of my days at KGB when I lured Russia’s enemies into my fish bucket. (Fish bucket is what I used to call a Gulag in Siberia)

Hunting (Shirtless)

In Russia, if it breathes, you may kill it. Ha! That is joke. Serious though, hunting in Russia is one of my favorite pass-times. Not only do I fish, but I also hunt bear, tiger, moose, wolf, snake, dragon, unicorn and enemies of Kremlin. Hunting reminds me of old Russian saying, “When there is blood on your hands. You are alive.” and this is why this activity helps me feel the rush of life.

Base Jumping (Shirtless)

Ditch those silly American bungee cords and feel the rush of death as you freefall towards the Earth like a true Russian. Strap a GoPro to your head and live-stream the experience on the Facebook for an added thrill. No need to find an instructor–base jumping is easy! Russians don’t need training–it is natural. Like riding bicycle.

Eating Endangered Birds (Shirtless)

Why eat something boring like chicken or steak while on vacation when you can sink your teeth into a Spotted Owl or a Peregrine Falcon? Until you serve some grilled bald eagle for

dinner–you’ll never appreciate the food chain, and how humans dominate it.

Enjoying Global Warming (Shirtless)

Since the polar ice caps started melting, summers have never been more beautiful in Russia. Everyone knows the globe started warming up in the ’30s, and it is God’s gift to Mother Russia. So I sunbathe shirtless in Siberia and enjoy the blazing sun. The Earth will always go through changes, and if cities like Miami and Venice are going to disappear then– oh well! Better learn to adapt. I suggest growing fins.

There you have it! Some vacation tips that will make your next getaway masculine and dangerous–The Russian way! Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to go spear-hunt some eagles while base jumping off a Siberian cliff. I’m going to need a vacation from this vacation.

-Putin

 

About Jo Anna Van Thuyne 26 Articles
Jo Anna Van Thuyne is an actor, comedian, and producer residing in New York. Her podcast, Apocalypse...Now?, starts September 5th. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Check her Snapchat/Twitter/Insta @JoPincushion. Learn more at joannavanthuyne [dot] com

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