Frank, can you help me with the car? No, it’s running efficiently, it’s more of an external issue. No, I didn’t have an accident. The car is fine. It’s a lease. They don’t expect to get it back in perfect condition. I saw a report about it on Stossel.
I’m trying to remove one of these family decals. Just the father. No, not all of them, just the father. I didn’t buy a new one to replace. This isn’t easy for me. Frank, we’re getting a divorce. I couldn’t think of a better way to tell you. Well, I could, but I’m scared of hot air balloons.
Frank, I’m in love with different stick figure decal. Yes, an actual decal.
It just happened. Neither of us planned it. We met at Target. I was killing time, going aisle to aisle, and found myself wandering through automotive. He was just hanging out. He asked me to get coffee at that cafe in the front of the store. It’s surprisingly good coffee. The workers are less than helpful. I can’t explain the side eye I got for asking if they have Stevia.
He has ambitions, Frank. He has goals. He showed me his vision board. He wants to be on the back of a BMW someday! What are your goals? I don’t know when, but at some point, you just gave up. It might have been after you lost all your limbs in the accident. You placed the blame on me as if you didn’t want to go to Coachella that day.
He wants to go places. I’ll have to drive but I don’t mind. I’d do that for him. That’s how I know its know we’ve got something special. I wouldn’t do that for you. I wouldn’t even wipe your chin right now and it’s covered in tapioca.
I’ve already told the kids. They seemed unphased. I think they think I’m just getting rid of the decal but I don’t plan on clarifying. Once they see the two of us together, they’ll understand.
Please stop crying, it’s causing me to cry. My fingers are shaking and making it more difficult to peel this sticker off. Look what you’ve made me do! I’ve ripped its arms and legs and the rest is stuck.
Maybe it makes more sense for you to keep this car now.
Chris Illuminati has written five humor books and is on Twitter. Those are the most interesting things about him.