Putin Picks His Favorite Holiday Stocking Stuffers

Putin Gift Guide

Translated by: имярек

Hey there! It’s me, President Vladimir Putin.

I’m so happy America decided to go with my pick for president, Donald Trump. You wouldn’t believe the amount of work that goes into influencing the election of a foreign country. I mean, I was working for months with a bunch of geeks holed up in the basement of the Kremlin, and I’m so glad our hard work paid off. We’ve been playing Drake’s Started From The Bottom for days here at the capitol (#NoNewComrades), and we’re totally psyched about a Trump presidency.

In the midst of my celebrations I thought… since America liked my choice for President so much maybe I should share some more of my favorite things with them. After all, there’s more to me than rigging presidential elections and shirtless horseback riding! I have impeccable taste and style. So here’s a list of things that I know Americans would love to use as stocking stuffers for their capitalist holiday, Christmas.

MALE SHEEPSKIN GENUINE LEATHER GLOVES

You know how cold it gets here in Russia, but you don’t know the best kept secret in the KGB is this stunning pair of leather gloves. Not only are they stylish–but they’re perfect for concealing your identity when killing the enemies of Mother Russia. Plus, the sheepskin lining makes them super warm!

TRUMP VODKA

Looking to celebrate the impending collapse of a democratic world power? Grab some vodka! I may not indulge in drinking often, but during this special occasion I think it’s more than appropriate to grab some Trump Vodka. As a Russian I can tell you…my friend, Donald Trump, makes a mean bottle of booze.

CAMOUFLAGE SNUGGIE

I know how much you pindos love your military garb, and I admit it– I really love wrapping myself up in one of these while watching CNN decipher the reality of a Trump Presidency. I have to admit, at first I did not understand the notion of a “snuggie,” but as soon as I wrapped myself in this– I was hooked! I guess you would call it a guilty pleasure!

GALAXY NOTE 7

This is a wonderful piece of American technology. Finally! We have an iPhone alternative! I insist that you get one yourself. I hear that they work even better when stored in your front pocket. If you have a breast pocket–even better. The Galaxy Note 7’s performance increases as it gets closer to vital organs.

That’s it! I hope you enjoyed this week’s installation of Putin’s Picks. If you’re still scrambling for those last minute gifts for your imperialist family members– never fear! Russia will hack into your loved one’s computer and scour their internet history. We’ll let you know what they really want for Christmas. No charge! You’re welcome.

-Putin

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About Jo Anna Van Thuyne 14 Articles
Jo Anna Van Thuyne is an actor, comedian, and producer residing in New York. Her column, Why Can’t We Be Friends?, posts every Thursday. Check her Snapchat/Twitter/Insta @JoPincushion. Learn more at jopincushion [dot] com

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