The Characters From Billy Joel’s ‘Piano Man’ Revisited

Since Billy Joel penned his 1973 hit, where have all these winners gone?

Old man at the bar, makin’ love to his tonic and gin: Died shortly after the release of the song. Left everything to his tonic & gin. His children, who were quite close to their late father, were deeply hurt. They couldn’t understand that the G&T was the one true love of their old man’s life.

John, who was sure he could be a movie star if he could get out of this place: He wasn’t wrong. But just to be sure, he signed up for Scientology. He went on to star in Grease, Pulp Fiction, and most notably, Old Dogs. Sometimes at night, he looks out his mansion window and wonders if he made a mistake by ever leaving that bar.

Paul, the real estate novelist, who never had time for a wife: Because he was saving his love for a very special fellow in the Navy (see Davy). They had a torrid love affair which ended when Paul couldn’t explain what a real estate novelist does.

Navy Davey

Davy, who’s still in the Navy, and probably will be for life: Still in the Navy. The Old Navy, that is! After retiring from a successful life at sea, he pursued his other passion: folding moderately-priced t-shirts. Things are going pretty good for ol’ Davy.

The Waitress practicing politics: Quit waitressing and finished out her degree at Yale before becoming the First Lady of Arkansas, and eventually, Secretary of State. She recently ran for president and won the popular vote. Sometimes she comes back to the bar for a drink or two, just to remember how far she’s come.

Businessman slowly getting stoned: Tommy Chong followed his bliss to a lifelong career in the marijuana biz. Not only is he a movie star, writer, and 4/20 legend; he can honestly say he knew the Piano Man from day one.

Bar Manager, who knows it’s Billy they’ve been comin’ to see: Jealous of young B. Joel’s talent, he closed the bar to pursue his own music career. He sold everything, moved to Nashville, grew a beard, and adopted a squirrel companion, Chris D., who played the bongos. Together, they roamed they streets of Tennessee, searching for “true musical fulfillment.” Nobody’s heard from them since.

Microphone that smells like a beer: Still smells like a beer

Emily Menez is a writer, comedy nerd, and dinosaur enthusiast. Follow her on Twitter.

Apocalypse…Now? is a podcast exploring the possibility that we’re heading toward the end times. Join comedian and filmmaker Jo Anna Van Thuyne for a weekly discussion with people just as nervous as her that this might be the end. Click here to subscribe.

Be the first to comment

Say Something