An Easy 12-Step Guide For Reacting To Every National Tragedy

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So there’s been a tragedy, now what?

STEP 1: First, quickly, establish your personal worldview.

STEP 2: Google “tragedy” + “(my worldview)” to find out what other people with your worldview are saying about this horrific occurrence.

STEP 3: Gather unsubstantiated rumors and/or tangential facts that reinforce your worldview and share them on social media as proof of the dominance of your worldview, which, come on, you’ve been saying all along.

STEP 4: If/when others respond with a differing or challenging worldview, call them “blind,” “naive,” or “the real problem with this country.”

STEP 5: Pause to comfort those in pain by doing one of the following:

a. Sending “thoughts and prayers”
b. Quoting Mister Rogers
c. Saying “fuck” a lot
d. Yelling into the void for immediate governmental change to bring the country more in line with your worldview
e. Attacking other people doing any of the above

Think about the tragedy and get angry again.

STEP 6: Instead of channeling your anger into productive means of change or positive acts, utilize social media to shout impotently at any media you believe has mischaracterized the tragedy by not framing it according to your worldview.

[Optional] Change social media profile picture in grand social performance to display how much you care about tragedy. Silently judge those who do not follow suit.

STEP 7: Continue talking about tragedy for 2-4 days, depending on uniqueness of tragedy.

STEP 8: Slowly tire of discussing tragedy.

STEP 9: Allow yourself to get distracted by trivial but entertaining national news story.

STEP 10: Wait until next tragedy.

STEP 11: Yell about how no one did anything to prevent this, even after the last tragedy.

STEP 12: Repeat when it happens again.

Maura Quint is a writer whose work can be found in publications such as McSweeneys, Runt of the Web, Someecards and on twitter at @behindyourback. She would be happy to name your band but you have to let her sing back up sometimes. Her mic doesn’t need to be on.

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