Making Friends is Like Buying a New Computer

I have been trying to buy a new computer for the past month. I have done everything to make the process easy, but I can’t catch a break. It’s like Apple won’t take my money. I thought I was doing everything right! I had meetings ahead of time to research what I needed. I avoided the internet and did everything face-to-face or over the phone. I really, tried…you know?

So why is this so difficult?

You’re probably thinking, Jo Anna… did you purchase a magical iMac that requires you to scour the globe for an ancient treasure in order to successfully complete your transaction with Apple? I wish, but No!  You would think some dark magic was afoot though– because my new machinery is nowhere to be found. I was told I could pick it up in store but later discovered that it needed to be shipped to China for a fusion drive I needed. “That’s fine.” I thought. “If my computer needs to work on itself a little bit before coming home with me–I understand.” So I let it slide.

Then my credit card company put a fraud alert on my purchase. “Urgh!” I flipped a coffee table. “Where were you when I was being charged for those unwanted text messages, Chase?” Sure, it’s nice that they did that–but my computer was being held hostage in China! After swallowing my anxiety I called the Customer Service representative to politely confirm my purchase. I even called Apple to tell them to resubmit the order. I was patient. I was funny! Surely, my kind demeanor would help me get my computer faster.

Except it wouldn’t, because the delivery was scheduled for Easter week–and I wouldn’t be home! Curse you, family members and calendar holidays! Why must life get in the way of my crippling need to create? I couldn’t let my computer sit on the front porch for three days (Oh, hey! A free computer!) so I had to delay the delivery. Leading to more anxiety-ridden phone calls, but it would be worth it because I was getting a new computer. After 2-4 phone calls juggling schedules, my computer was finally set for delivery on April 18th.

Well, April 18th came and I found no computer at my doorstep. I should’ve suspected something was wrong when I didn’t get a shipping notification, but I trusted Apple– like a fool! I went their website to find that my order had been canceled! Canceled? BUT I THOUGHT I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT?!?! What was the point of all those meetings? Why did I make all those phone calls?

I hate waiting!  I’m ready for a good computer. I know what a good computer looks like, and I know how to treat a computer right. I just–deserve this computer, okay? Why is everyone making it so difficult? Purchasing a computer should be easy! BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES IT! So why can’t I get it right?

After three more phone calls to repurchase (yeah, I had to do the whole damn thing over again) my new computer–I have finally received a shipping notification. It looks like all my hard work might pay off–but I’m not letting my guard down. I’ll believe it when I’m setting up my new iMac in my office. Until then, I’m still skeptical.

Apocalypse…Now? is a podcast exploring the possibility that we’re heading toward the end times. Join comedian and filmmaker Jo Anna Van Thuyne for a weekly discussion with people just as nervous as her that this might be the end. Click here to subscribe.

About Jo Anna Van Thuyne 29 Articles

Jo Anna Van Thuyne is an actor, comedian, and producer residing in New York. Her podcast, Apocalypse…Now?, starts September 5th. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Check her Snapchat/Twitter/Insta @JoPincushion. Learn more at joannavanthuyne [dot] com

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