Inside The Girl’s Bathroom With Kristen Carney

Kristen Carney

Each week in Give A Little Bit, we’re talking to funny people — comics, writers, cartoonists, senators — about the first time they got a laugh. This week, Kristen Carney discusses her first clue she was destined to be a comedian, the process of not having a process and fear.

Your first bit…

Well, this is the first time I remember thinking like a comedian (but I didn’t know that at the time). I was in second grade and these two girls in my class wanted to go to the bathroom together during lunch. When the lady monitoring the lunch room told them no, they had a fit. They were so upset and gave the poor lady a hard time until she gave in. And, I remember thinking a couple things 1) I’d much rather go to the bathroom alone rather than with one of these dummies. The whole reason to go to the bathroom is to get a break from everyone and 2) You don’t share a bladder, you don’t NEED to go together, you WANT to go together. To this day, I have very few friends, and I think this was the start of it

Your writing process is…

I don’t have a writing process at all. I think my process is not having a process. If I sat down and tried to write jokes they’d be very uninspired. The only way I can really come up with a premise or a joke is to be doing whatever it is I’m doing and naturally observing without thinking I want to think of a joke. When I have a funny thought about where I am or what I’m seeing, I write it down. Then usually if I think it has enough promise for a bit, I’ll talk it out loud to myself (with no one around of course, except the judgmental ghost in my apartment who thinks the joke is hacky).

My influences are…

Comedically, I’m influenced by Seinfeld (the show, then the guy) and unbeknownst to me at the time, Larry David. I wish I could say something/someone who wasn’t so broadly popular but that’s the truth. I used to watch Seinfeld when I was really young and I didn’t totally understand what I was watching but I knew these people “got it,” whatever that was. I thought the exact same way about the world they did on the show before I ever saw the show. It was like my thoughts were on T.V. And, as someone who was picked on, I always felt misunderstood and these people understood me.

I’m also influenced by fear. Fear of never succeeding, never having a voice, being a nobody. But, I hate that influence. It’s a dick.

How I keep it all together…

A little bit in the notebook, a little bit on my notes in my phone. And, actually, twitter. Twitter has been great for keeping lots of our thoughts in one place.

Oddest writing spot…

I feel like anywhere I write a joke is an odd place because I’m usually always shocked I came up with one. I always have that feeling that the last joke I came up with was a total fluke and it’ll definitely never happen again.

I wish I wrote…

Kimmel’s Lie Witness News. It’s so simple and smart and true. We all know the feeling of catching someone in a lie and watching them ride it out but we also know the feeling of “Did you see that awesome movie x?” and just saying “Ohhh yeah! It was great” because it’s too uncomfortable to admit you aren’t cool enough to have seen it. (BTW, I try not to do that anymore, I’m trying to own my flaws).

A new bit…

I am about to shoot a short film I wrote which is scary for me because I’ve never done that before. It’s called “Friends, Quote Unquote”. It’s a dark comedy about two girls wanting the same job and screwing each other over to get it. (I’m into VERY REAL scenarios and clearly have a fixation on friendship. I think that happens when you don’t have too much of it.) If you want to donate to my Indiegogo campaign, you can do that here. SORRY, I HATE DOING THAT.

Kristen Carney has written for Comedy Central, Hello Giggles, Someecards and AskMen. She’s been seen on Fox , E!,  Comedy Central and TLC (not very proud of that one). She occasionally co-hosts The Adam Carolla Show and Loveline and is the host of the popular podcast, The Ask Women Podcast. Follow her on twitter @kristencarney

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