Jesus Refuses To Part With AOL Email


First of all, the email incredibly easy for my followers to remember. Secondly, I’ve never had any issue with the service. AOL mail ever goes down. Maybe because no one uses it, but whatever, it’s like that good restaurant that no one goes to except you because the food is decent and they’re willing to take a party of 13 on short notice. I’m just loyal.

There’s a level of experience that comes with an AOL address. It shows new followers I’ve been online since the beginning. I remember having to appeal to the company to take it away from a 43-year-old Dominican hairstylist. I think he settled on

Then there’s the hassle of alerting all of the disciples to the new email and printing up new business cards. And do I have to close the entire account? It’s hooked up to all my subscriptions and credit cards. And why is Gmail so confusing with all the different folders? I receive millions of emails each day, I don’t have time to rummage through Primary, Social and Updates sections. I like one continuous inbox.

AOL reminds me of the old days. I miss AIM, away messages, chat rooms and random A/S/L inquiries from total strangers.

Jesus, 34, Jerusalem. And you my son?

I was able to convert so many sinners that way.

“What am I wearing? A long robe. What are you wearing? I’ll tell you, a coat of many sins you must shed before being let into the kingdom of heaven.”

“u still there?”

I don’t want to brag but I always had the best away message. It’s easy when you’ve got an entire bible of quotes at your disposal.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Possibly plans to hit up Starbucks depending how long synagogue goes.” Jeremiah 29:11

The threat of email hacking doesn’t change my mind about anything. I’ve got the most complex anti-hacking system in the universe its called eternal damnation when I find out who’s responsible and I ALWAYS find out.

Chris Illuminati has written five humor books and is on Twitter. Those are the most interesting things about him.


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