As the country enters the third month of Donald Trump‘s presidency, citizens still struggle to cope. Liberal elites everywhere are crying into their soy chai lattes while minorities are actually feeling the effects of this administration.
Last night’s speech might’ve shown a different side of Trump, but the Bit Comedy editors see past his orange veil. After excessive thought and deliberation among our peers (Twitter) we’ve compiled a comprehensive list of Trump survival tactics that can help you get through the next 4 years.
Here are our tips for surviving the next four (possible) years…
“Nail a bag of Cheetos on your front door so people think you’re a supporter of the regime.” – Lindsay Goldwert
“Throw out your phone. Throw out your television. Check out the world you’ve been missing before it implodes.” – Chris Illuminati
“1. Fetch all of the CNN footage from 2009-2016 and watch it instead of what is actually airing on CNN and 2. Petition Congress to remove Trump from office since, while he is a U.S. citizen, his hairpiece was made in China.” -Mike Fenn
“Head on over to Pinterest and find the plans to build yourself a DIY sustainable living bomb shelter….then fill it with nothing but Rex Goliath.” – Jo Anna Van Thuyne
“1. Adopt a Republican – It’s like the old saying goes, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” Not only does this allow you to have someone on the inside who has your back, you may make them a little more open minded, who knows? Crazier things have happened, I mean Trump won the election for goodness sake.
2. Get a burner phone – Don’t wanna use up all your cell phone data making calls to Congress? Get yourself an old school prepaid phone and make calls until you run out of minutes. Plus most pre-paid phones don’t have apps so you can avoid all the scary Trump posts on Facebook.
3. Drink (heavily) – Trump and his cabinet plan on rolling back a ton of progress we’ve made in the last few years. How far will he go? We don’t know. We could find ourselves in another prohibition. Drink as much as possible while you still can!” -Lance Sandoval
“Complain at your job interview that his current staff, including the employer, are taking too many vacation days. When hired, sign a bunch of shit off. Don’t even read anything, just write. You can get a lot more done this way. Repeat this process like…nine times. Then break the office record by ordering 3 weeks in that you are taking a vacation. Hey, you did accomplish a lot!” -Justin Schilling
“Eat more celery. It’s good for you and it’s crunchiness scares racists away.” -Noah Lethbridge
Rest assured, our team of underemployed freelancers and aspiring Louis C.K.s will be here to lead the nation through this tumultuous time. Do you have a Trump survival tip you’d like to share? Sent it to us at bitcomedywebsite [@] gmail.com and we’ll add it to the list.