How to Alienate Yourself In Catholic School

Not making friends in a Catholic School is easy if you’ve got a plan. After 12 years in the Catholic School system conducting extensive research, I’ve compiled a list of behaviors that will guarantee your lack of social status. By following these simple steps you’re sure to turn away your peers–leaving a fragile psyche ripe with creativity and future employment opportunities for psychologists.

Here’s how to alienate yourself in a Catholic School:

Don’t alter your uniform

Catholic Schools were famous for their uniforms, and guys were always fawning over the girls in the shortest skirts. While everyone else is getting their moms to hem their skirts high enough to see their labia–pass on this tradition in exchange for a longer, crooked skirt. You’ll be happier when a cold wind blows in the schoolyard, but the other girls might question your behavior by cornering you in the cafeteria before school. Act like you don’t care what they think, even though it kills you inside. You’ll be fine.

Be studious while failing at the same time

Sit in the front of the class. Enthusiastically raise your hand and answer with confidence–even if you’re wrong! Your teacher might get annoyed, but at least you’re trying. Your classmates will really start to LOVE the sound of your voice. Excel in subjects like writing, vocal music, and theology. (yes, THEOLOGY) Barely pass math and get suspended for forging signatures on the spelling tests you failed. It’ll make you a bad ass.

Have quirks

When everyone else wears their knee socks around their ankles, opt to actually wear yours at your knees. Wear a necklace that consists of a collection of pens. I’m not talking 2-3 pens. More like 5-7. Wear pleather pants on dress down days, and carry a Book of Shadows (but only after viewing The Craft for the first time.) When possible, instead of merely speaking statements, sing them.

Be sensitive 

Even with a hard exterior, being sensitive on the inside will ensure the appropriate amount distance between you and your peers. With a scowl on your face, no one will think their insults could leave long-term damage, but only you know that you listen to KoRn by yourself in your basement and cry.

There you have it! It’s that simple to successfully reach shut-in status. Make sure to come back next week for more life hacks on Bit Comedy!

Jo Anna Van Thuyne is an actor, comedian, and producer residing in New York. Her column, Why Can’t We Be Friends?, posts every Thursday. Check her Snapchat/Twitter/Insta @JoPincushion.


About Jo Anna Van Thuyne 29 Articles

Jo Anna Van Thuyne is an actor, comedian, and producer residing in New York. Her podcast, Apocalypse…Now?, starts September 5th. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Check her Snapchat/Twitter/Insta @JoPincushion. Learn more at joannavanthuyne [dot] com

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