Jamie Slawinski’s bridal party got together last Sunday to sip mimosas, review draft 14 of the guest list and confirm that the Sting-inspired “Fields OF Grain” engagement shoot was by far the most hilariously hypocritical act the adamantly gluten-free couple has committed yet.
The betrothed Vandela Heights couple met last May “in the bulk foods section of a local a co-op” said long-time friend and slated Maid Of Honor of the story she’s heard Jamie recount no less than seven times. “Apparently Jamie bumped into one of the dispensers and rolled oats started spilling everywhere and Patrick tried to intervene, but to no avail, like it was some indie rom-com montage shit.”
Speaking to the couple’s bond formed by a mutual obsession with dietary restrictions and transformer-like ability to compound one other’s self-righteousness, one bridesmaid said she didn’t think they would work out. “At first I thought they were incredibly mismatched, you know, as people,” she said, “but I guess barring the same stuff from your life, despite having no allergy to it whatsoever, can foster a kind of love.”
Fearing weird, coconut flour-fueled retaliation, no one has ever mentioned to the gluten-despising couple how their portrait session conducted in the wheat stalks of a disenfranchised farmer’s private land plot could be perceived as fucking tone deaf.
“That engagement session cost more than my car,” said Jamie’s college-roommate citing the generator-powered industrial fans that were brought in to facilitate a ‘wind-blown look’ on a still November morning, “Plus, there isn’t even going to be real cake there [at the wedding.]”