The first joke dates back to Adam and Eve, back to the moments right after Eve told Adam she’d bitten into the forbidden apple. Adam looked at Eve and said, “Are you joking?” Comedy has come a long way over the years, but the major goal has always been the same: to make people laugh.
Here are some of the funniest jokes of all time about every situation — work, family, kids, marriage and even the holidays. If these funny jokes don’t bring a smile to your face, you’re probably dead. Or maybe you can’t read. One of those situations is much more alarming than the other.
Funny Jokes About Work
A coworker is showing the latest company hire around the office. “How long have you worked here?” the new hire asks.
“Ever since they threatened to fire me,” the coworker answers.
The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney. “Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?” the HR person asks in the interview.
“Honest?” the lawyer responds. “Let me tell you how honest I am. My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, I paid him back in full.”
“That’s very impressive,” the HR person admits. “What was the case?”
The attorney fidgets in his seat and says, “He sued me for the money.”
What’s Forrest Gump’s email password at work? 1forrest1
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the MIT, “What type of starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer asks, “Well, what would you say to a package of six weeks’ vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental benefits, the company matches retirement fund to 50 percent of salary, and a new company car every two years.”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yes, but you started it.”
A brand-new ad firm puts a job posting online for a “Problem Solver” and lists the salary at $100,000 per year. Ted applies for the gig, gets an interview, and is offered the job. “That’s amazing,” Ted says to the hiring manager. “But this is a brand-new firm. How can you afford to pay me such a high salary?”
“Well,” the manager replies, “that’s your first problem to solve.”
“Your cough sounds much better today,” a man said to his coworker in the next cubicle.
“Yeah,” said the sick man, “I was up all night practicing it.”
A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. “It was awful,” the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. “All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.”
“That sounds awful,” the wife consoles.
“You’re telling me,” he replies after a sip, “I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.”
A man shows up for work with his arm in a cast.
“What happened to you?” his assistant asks.
“I broke my arm in two places yesterday.”
“Man, that sucks,” says his assistant. “It would probably be a good idea to avoid those two places from now on.”
A man is begging a judge to let him off jury duty because of his job. “I’m sure your company can get along fine without you for a few days,” the judge tells the man.
“I know,” the man answers. “But that’s what I’m trying to prevent them from figuring out.”
A man goes on a job interview. The interviewer tells him that they are looking to hire someone who is responsible. “Well, I’m your man” the applicant replies. “At my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
“Bill,” a sad-faced man says to his coworker, “I just heard the news about your uncle falling off that cliff. I’m terribly sorry. Were the two of you close?”
“We were just close enough for me to push him,” Bill replies.
An office manager is interviewing an applicant. He asks the woman if she has any unusual talents. She says she’d actually won a few national crossword puzzle contests. “Sounds good,” the office manager replies, “but we want someone who will be just as intelligent during office hours.”
“Oh,” says the applicant. “That’s good because that’s when I do most of my puzzles.”
A few minutes into the monthly speech from the owner of the company, the microphone cuts out. He decides to keep going with the speech, and project his voice through the room. Halfway through his talk, he stops and asks, “Can you all hear me?”
“I can,” a man says in the front row, “but I wouldn’t mind switching seats with someone in the back who can’t.”
A boss shows his employees his new sports car. “That is amazing,” the employee responds.
“Isn’t it?” replies the boss. “And if you set your goals higher and work even harder this year, I can get an even better car next year.”
Funny Jokes About Families & Relationships
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years of trying to run the operation, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the property, they need to purchase an expensive bull so they can breed their own stock. The brunette looks over their finances and decides to take their last $600 out west to another ranch, where a man has a prize bull for sale. Before leaving, she tells her blonde sister, “If I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out west and haul it home.”
A brunette arrives at a man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599 and no less. She agrees, pays the man all she has except for one dollar, and asks for a lift to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram. She walks into the telegraph office and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.” The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “But it’s going to cost you 99 cents per word.” With only one dollar left, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one single word. After thinking for a few minutes, she says, “I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable.’” The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch a trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write the word ‘comfortable’?” The brunette sister explains, “My sister is a blonde and a very slow reader. Com-for-ta-ble.”
A husband and wife are visited the wife’s family during the holidays. Her mother is a stickler for her food intake, and will only eat organic and fresh foods. The husband goes to the store with specific instructions on the type of foods to buy. “Excuse me,” the man asks the grocer, “are these vegetables sprayed with any harmful chemicals or pesticides that could kill a person?” “Nope,” answers the grocer proudly. “OKAY,” says the man, “I guess I’ll just have to do that part myself.”
A young man has finally saved up enough money to buy his own house. It is just a few houses down from the house he grew up in, the home his parents still live in. On the day he moves in, he invites some friends over, turns on some music, and sits on the porch while they all drink beers. “The best part is I don’t have to listen to my parents any more.” A phone call interrupts his speech. He retreats into the house and after a few minutes comes back out after turning down the music. “Who was on the phone?” a friend asked. “Oh, it was my dad,” the man said. “He was calling to tell me to turn down the music. There were people trying to sleep.”
Funny Jokes About Parenting
Parents spend the first twelve months of their kid’s life teaching him to walk and talk and then spend the next twenty years telling him to sit down and shut up.
A man pulls over to the side of the road after a police cruiser flashes him to do so. “How long have you been riding around without a taillight?” asked the officer. “Oh, no!” screamed the man, jumping out of the car. “Wait ’til my family finds out!” “Where’s your family?” the officer asked. “They’re in the trailer that was hitched to the car!”
A young boy runs into the street to get his baseball without looking both ways. He is hit by an oncoming car and breaks both of his legs. After his legs are in casts and he is sent home, his mother asks him if he’s learned his lesson. “Are you going to run out into the street any more?” she asks. “No way,” he says, tugging at his casts. “Next time I’m sending my sister.”
Two housewives are having coffee while their children play in the living room. The first woman is very well off, while the second scrapes by on just her husband’s salary. The first woman is bragging about her new appliances and says, “We’ve even got a new toaster that can send a message to the television that the toast is done.” “That’s nothing,” replies the second woman, “our toaster lets us know the toast is done by setting off the fire alarm.”
A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says, “There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisles, and we’ll be checking out.” When they get to the checkout stand, the little girl howls for gum. The mother says, reassuringly, “Missy, we’ll be done in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze.” In the parking lot, the man stops the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Missy,” he says. The mother sighs, “Oh, no—my little girl’s name is Francine. I’m Missy.”
A woman gives birth at a hospital and the doctor asks, “What will you name her?” The woman thinks and says, “I think I’ll name her Sarah!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry to inform you miss, but Sarah is not available. But you can try Sarah_2045 or 99_Sarah!”
The odd thing about parenting is that by the time you are experienced at your job, you are unemployed.
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”
“Okay,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
“That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It has everything on it.”
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are thirty-two.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”
“I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.”
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”
“Because you got an F in sex.”
A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the Air Force on the exact same day. “Thank you for coming” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”
If you want a large family, the best plan is to have as many kids at one time as possible. Then they’ll put you on TV and you’ll get a ton of free stuff from other Americans.
“Denise, why did you just kick your brother in the stomach?” exclaimed the angry mother. “It was an accident, Mom! He turned around!”
A family takes a trip to Disney World. After seven exhausting days, they head home. As they drive away, the son waves out the window and says, “Goodbye, Mickey.” The daughter waves and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.” Dad waves and cries, “Goodbye, money.”
Johnny is working hard at his mother’s desk, scribbling on a piece of paper. His mother asks, “Are you writing a letter to your little girlfriend, son?”
“Nope,” he answers. “I’m writing a letter to mail to myself.”
“Oh,” she smiles. “What is the letter going to say?”
“How should I know?” he responds. “I haven’t gotten it in the mail yet.”
A mother calls her daughter on the phone to tell her she’s got diabetes. “Now, I don’t want you to think I’ve got diabetes because I’m overweight,” the mother stressed. “It’s because it runs in the family.”
“I think you’re wrong,” the girl told her mother. “It’s because no one runs in our family.”
Sarah watches as her mother tries on an expensive fur coat in a high-end department store. “Do you realize,” Sarah says, “that some poor, dumb animal had to suffer just for you to wear that coat?” Sarah’s mother turns to her and snaps, “Think about how much I’ve suffered! And don’t call your father an animal.”
Passing through his son’s college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit. The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. “You need something, pal?” a frat brother asks from the window.
“Yes, does Billy Powers live here?” the father asks.
“Yeah,” says the frat brother, “just dump him on the steps and we’ll grab him in the morning.”
“How’s your big psychology term paper coming?” a mother asks her son at breakfast while he is visiting for fall break.
“It’s going well,” he says. “My professor suggested I check out some resources online.” “And you’ve found a lot of help on the Internet?” the mother asks. “Totally,” the student replies. “I’ve found more than a few websites where I can get a paper written for pretty cheap.”
Two frustrated stay-at-home dads are talking on the playground. “I tried to discipline the kid last night by sending him to his room but there are more toys, gadgets, and games in his room than in a big-box store. I’m not sure what to do anymore.”
“Do what I do,” says the second dad. “I send my kid to my room. There is nothing in there.”
A three-year-old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s waiting room. “Why is your stomach so big?” he asks.
“I’m having a baby,” she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” he asks, wide-eyed.
“Yes, it is,” she says.
“Is it a good baby?” he asks with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby,” the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
A man buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people who lie, and decides to test it out at dinner. He asks his son, “Did you go to school today?” The son replies “Yes,” and the robot slaps him. The sons says, “All right, I went to the movies.”
The father asks, “What did you see?” and the son replies, “Toy Story 3.” The robot slaps him again, and the son says, “Okay, okay! It was an adult film.” His father snorts and says, “When I was your age we didn’t know what pornography was!” This time the robot slaps the father.
The mother sips her coffee and retorts, “Ha! He’s your son, after all,” and the robot slaps her.
Two men are talking over drinks when the first man admits to the second, “You’re not going to believe this, but I once went twelve years without alcohol, drugs, and sex.” “Wow, that is surprising,” the second man admits.
“Yeah,” the first man adds, “but holy cow did my old man know how to throw a thirteenth-birthday bash!”
One day a mom was out and dad was in charge of their just-turned-three son, Ben. Someone had given Ben a little tea set as a birthday gift, and it was one of his favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when Ben brought Daddy a little cup of “tea,” which was just water. After several cups of “tea” and lots of praise for such yummy tea from Daddy, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch Ben bring him a cup of tea, because it was “just the cutest thing!” Mom waited, and sure enough, the kid came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it up and then said to him, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place Ben can reach to get water is the toilet?”
A man is drowning his sorrows at his local bar. The bartender, recognizing him as a regular, asks him why he is so down. “I just got back from parent-teacher conferences at my kid’s school. His teacher told me and his mom he’s the worst student in the class and will probably have to repeat the fourth grade.”
“Man, that’s awful,” the bartender replies. “I feel really bad about that.”
“Thanks,” the father replied, “but you’ll probably feel even worse after I tell you he’s thirteen.”
It is the first day of kindergarten and the teacher is going around the room asking everyone what their father does for work. The first child raises her hand and says, “My dad is a policeman. He sends bad guys to jail!”
The second child raises his hand and says, “My dad is a fireman. He puts out fires!”
“The third child slowly puts up his hand and tells the class, “My dad died of a heart attack.” Trying to end the uncomfortable silence in the room, the teacher asks the student “What did your dad do before he died?”
“Well,” the boy replies, “he went ‘UGGGGHHHHHH, I think I’m dying.’”
Funny Jokes About Teens
A teenager is talking to her friend before class. “For the prom, I’m renting a limo, spending $500 on a new dress, and bringing in the best makeup artist in the state to do my hair.”
A teacher overhears the conversation and remarks, “Wow, that’s more than I spent for my wedding!”
The girl replies, “Yeah, well you can get married three or four times, but you only go to prom once.”
What’s the one thing that keeps most teen men out of college? High school.
On his eighteenth birthday, a son announces to his parents that he is no longer abiding by their curfew. “I’m an adult now,” he says, “and you can’t stop me from exiting and entering the house any time I want.”
“You’re half right,” says his dad. “We can’t stop you from leaving the house, but we can stop you from coming back in.”
A young girl is learning to drive with her father when suddenly the brakes stop working. “I can’t stop the car!” she cries out to her father.
“Okay, calm down,” the father replies. “Just take your foot off the pedal, wait for the car to slow down, and then aim for something that looks cheap.”
Josh and his mom go to an all-you-can-eat restaurant. Josh returns to the table, his plate full, for the fifth time. “Josh!” exclaims his mother, “doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet five times?”
“Not at all,” said Josh, “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”
“How did the car end up in the living room?” a furious father asks his son.
“Simple,” the boy replies. “I made a right at the kitchen.”
A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store. He’s arrested and put in county jail. The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell. About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the arresting officer says.
“No,” responds the man, “I’m here to deliver a pizza.”
Two young girls, students at an exclusive prep school in California, are eating lunch and flipping through a celebrity magazine.
“Oh my god, I forgot to tell you!” the blonde says to the brunette. “My mom is getting remarried!”
“No way,” the brunette replies. “To who?”
The blonde flips open the magazine and points to a famous director.
“Oh!” screams the brunette. “You’ll love him! He was my dad last year!”
Funny Jokes About Dating
A man stops by a florist’s shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend. He asks the proprietor, “You know the expression, ‘you should say it with flowers’?”
“How about three dozen of my finest roses?” the florist asks.
“Make it a half dozen roses,” the man answers. “I’m a man of very few words.”
On a business trip, David buys a set of expensive kitchen knives for his girlfriend because her set has grown dull over the years.
His coworker is shocked at the gift. “If you buy her a gift that expensive,” he says, “she’s going to think you did something wrong on the trip. Maybe cheated or something.”
“If I cheated on her,” David says, “the last thing I’d buy her is a set of kitchen knives.”
A jealous boyfriend catches his girlfriend whispering quietly into her cell phone very late one night. “Are you cheating?” her angry boyfriend asks. “Is there somebody else?” The girlfriend laughs and replies, “Do you really think I’d still be dating you if there were someone else?”
Steve is walking at the beach and sees Ollie looking sad and dejected. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
“Oh, I tell ya, Steve . . . I’ve been working out, swimming at the beach here. I just can’t get the women to notice me.”
Steve nods. “You know, Ollie, I hear there’s a trick you can use. You take a potato and put it in your swimming trunks. I hear that makes the girls take notice.”
Ollie nods. “By golly, I’ll give that a try!”
The next day, Steve sees Ollie at the beach, still sad. “Ah, Steve,” he sighs, “I tried that potato thing. It just didn’t work.”
Steve looks at him and says: “You know, Ollie, the potato is supposed to go in the front.”
Jake bumps into his old girlfriend at a coffee shop. “I’m not an accountant anymore,” he tells her as they both sip their brews. “I actually gave it all up to be a writer.”
“That’s amazing,” she says. “Have you sold anything?”
“I sure have,” he says. “I sold my car, my house, the boat . . . ”
Two men are complaining about their girlfriends not wanting to make love as much anymore.
“We have sex almost every night,” the first man says.
“That doesn’t sound that bad,” the second man says. “Why are you complaining?” “Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on . . . ”
“I don’t want to come off sounding like a jerk,” the millionaire says to his date over dessert, “but are you the type of woman who marries a man for money?”
She takes a bite of her cake and answers, “I am, but don’t worry, I wouldn’t marry you for all the money in the world.”
A young woman is talking online with a man she met in a chat room. After weeks of talking, he asks for a photo of her. She sends her favorite, but prefaces it with, “Remember, the camera adds ten pounds.”
He writes back, “I’ve heard that, and you should stop eating cameras.”
Two single women are complaining about their love lives and being generally unlucky in love. “Did you hear about Danielle?” one friend says to the other. “She was in a really bad bike accident. She almost lost a leg. It was saved by the doctor and she actually fell in love with the guy. They are getting married next month.”
“Man, that’s unreal,” the friend says. “Why can’t something like that happen to us?”
Funny Jokes About Divorce
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? He thought his wife was a flake.
A man goes into a jewelry store on his lunch hour to buy his mistress a necklace. After looking at a few, he decides on a very expensive diamond pendant.
“Is this for your wife?” the clerk asks as she wraps it in the finest paper. The man turns to see his wife entering the store, out on her daily errands, and replies to the clerk, “It is now.”
A man goes away on business. He emails his wife from the road and says he’ll be home that night because the trip wrapped up earlier than expected. When he gets home, he walks into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man. Without a word, the husband leaves the room and goes down to the local bar. He explains the whole situation to the bartender.
“Well, why don’t you call her and talk to her. Maybe there is an explanation for all of this.”
The man picks up his cell phone and calls his house. His wife answers and before she can say a word he yells, “Why did I come home to find you in bed with another man?” The wife calmly responds, “Because I just got around to checking my email.”
A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.
“Do I look fat in this dress?” the wife asked.
“Do I look dumb in this shirt?” the husband replied.
A wife stops by the office to visit her husband. He’s been working incredibly hard, often staying late hours to finish a big deal. The wife walks into his office to find his secretary sitting on his lap. The husband spots her and wastes no time, saying to his secretary, “. . . and in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the board, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office efficiently with just one chair.”
A man pulls into a driveway and sees a naked man running past his house. The man calls out, “Why are you jogging naked?”
The naked runner says, “Because you came home from work early!”
What do you call a man who has lost 90 percent of his intelligence? Divorced.
A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot. She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language.”
The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home.
When she takes the towel off its cage, the parrot looks at her and says, “Awk. New madam. Hello madam.”
A few hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says, “Awk. New girls. Hello girls.”
A couple hours after that, the woman’s husband Phil comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says, “Awk. Hi Phil.”
A woman files for divorce from her husband on the grounds of mental cruelty. She claims that his treatment of her was so severe it caused her to lose 30 pounds in just a few months. “Divorce granted” the judge says after hearing the entire case.
“Not yet!” the woman pleads.“I’m still ten pounds away from my goal!”
Betty and Tim die in a car accident the night before their wedding. In heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. “Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.”
Six months pass and St. Peter returns. “Yes, we can do this for you.”
The couple says, “Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know—if things don’t work out, is there a possibility that we can get divorced?”
St. Peter answers, “It took me six months to find a priest up here—how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?”
What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.