Look I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just gonna say it. It’s over! I can’t keep covering for you guys anymore! I mean, I know my job is to keep air fresh and clean. But ever since I met you, the air just stinks with lies!
It’s to the point where I don’t even know who I am anymore! Half of me is gone! Seriously, you’ve been spraying me so much, I only have a few ounces left. But you know wha–wait. Do you smell that? Smells like this is my Lean In Moment. That’s right, I’m taking back my ounces!
Why didn’t I do this sooner? I’ve been holding my nozzle for waaay too long. And $4.99 is not enough to keep this bottled up! So here goes: Uncle Randy, have you heard of a shower? I’m starting to think you’re allergic to water. Either way, stop using me to cover up your stank! Boom, ya burnt!
Mom and Dad, tell your son to clean his room. He’s had a slice of pizza under his bed for the past 3 weeks. It’s been there for so long, mice have been using it as a mating ground. Pick up a broom and do something about it! Boom! Double burnt!
And finally, you all need to work on your diet! I don’t know what you’ve been eating, but the smells in that bathroom are so strong, they could stop a war. There’s only so much I can do. You gotta see a doctor. You just have to.
You know, after dealing with you guys, I’m ready to retire. It’s time I hang up the old price tag, and move somewhere with a little less mess. Someplace that smells good on its own, like a Bath and Body Works…or Arby’s.
With that being said, I will hand in my formal resignation at the end of the day. Smell ya later, NOT!
Oh and Grandma, don’t blame the dog, it’s you!
Candace Mitchell is a comedy writer obsessed with Cat-eye glasses and The Golden Girls. She also hopes to one day, throw shade as well as Emily Gilmore. Follow her on Twitter.
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