Drunk Water Bottle Rambling On About Can Of LaCroix Being A ‘Talentless Hack’ In College

drunk water bottle

Patrons of McHenry’s Roadside Pub and Grille attempted to distance themselves Thursday from a heavily intoxicated Bottle of Water who, sources said, would not shut up about what a talentless hack his former schoolmate, LaCroix, was in Undergrad.

“I got an earful about how LaCroix was obviously flaunting his carbonation and fun, fresh packaging to, you know, overcompensate for his “less bubbly” attributes” said Babs Lowell, who politely excused herself from conversation after Bottled Water knocked two salt shakers off the bar and shouted “LaCroix would pop a tab for ANYBODY and I mean ANYBODY.”

At press time, eye-witnesses had turned their full attention to the booklets of Karaoke Smash Hits on the table in the corner, but maintain that Bottled Water had been cut-off indefinitely after he demanded an answer to “what makes something sparkling anyway? I mean really!”

Ali O’Reilly is a Minneapolis-based writer and performer. Her humor, essays, and poetry have appeared in McSweeneys, Thought Catalog, Hello Giggles, The Twin Cities Arts Reader, Nice Cage Magazine and more.


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