Betsy DeVos’s Guide To Protecting Your School From Dangerous Animal Attacks

Education Secretary Sheds Light On Looming Animal Threat

Now that Betsy DeVos has officially been confirmed as Secretary of Education it’s time to move forward and focus on the Educational issues facing our children today. Following her confirmation hearing in January, Betsy DeVos ignited a firestorm of controversy. Teachers unions and advocacy groups around the country rallied together as a result of her testimony, and you can see why. DeVos shed light on one of the major problems facing America’s school system today–dangerous animals targeting our schools. It’s about time someone in Washington addressed this pressing issue.

Protecting America’s children is a high priority for the Trump administration, and Betsy DeVos wants to make sure our schools are prepared for nature’s fury. That’s why I’ve not only assessed the animal threats around the country, but I’ve also compiled convenient a list of weapons your school’s armories need to equip themselves with in order to properly protect your children from these radical creatures.


During her hearing, DeVos mentioned the threat Grizzlies played on our schoolyards– but we can’t forget the relatives to this familiar fiend! Our young students in Alaska tread through the snow to get to school–fearing the looming hunger of the violent polar bear that stalks their neighborhood. Young minds from Washington all the way to New Mexico eat their lunches in fear knowing a black bear could be lured to their picnic bench at any second.

Weapon of Choice

DeVos stressed the need for guns to protect our schools from this threat. Why go with a simple handgun when you can equip your school with a piece of weaponry that is guaranteed to get the job done. The M134 General Electric Minigun is the only six-barrel rotary machine gun you need. You can’t miss when you’re firing off 6,000 rounds per minute. It’s the only way to protect the studious children around this great nation.


Mountain Lions have been a continuous threat to our students in California. Many a big cat can be seen perched atop a nearby cliff edge leering down at the innocent children playing dodgeball. At a moment’s notice, these agile creatures could snatch up one of your dear children and have them for lunch. This will not stand in America. Free lunches are for tax payers! We must defend ourselves from these ferocious felines.

Weapon of Choice

Your Elementary School’s security guard needs to be equipped with this lightweight, badass weapon. The whip’s serrated metal links make slicing a Mountain Lion as easy as Trump slicing his way through Planned Parenthood. Being a whip, this bad boy can be concealed easily in the front pocket of a rented uniform. Chances are your rent-a-cop already has one of these bad boys lying amongst his trusty samurai sword collection. Just ask him to bring it to school tomorrow.


As beloved American archeologist, Indiana Jones once said, “Why’d it have to be snakes plaguing our schools–killing our children?” The hardworking teachers in Arkansas instruct common core math while remaining on high alert for the deadly Western Diamondback Rattlesnake. In Georgia, the groundskeepers sweep through piles of leaves to check for a hiding Coral Snake itching to murder an American child. We can’t ignore this slithery threat these reptiles place on the future of our nation.

Weapon of Choice

The only way to properly protect your school from a snake threat is with nature’s own deadly weapon, fire. Your janitor won’t be using a rake to sift through those fallen leaves anymore. With a 25 ft flame grazing the grass of the soccer field every morning, you can rest easy knowing your child won’t fall victim to another venomous snake bite.


The beautiful children of California have yet another threat facing their days of learning in this great nation. Coyotes routinely circle daycare centers and preschools alike licking their chops as if they were first in line at an all you can eat toddler buffet. Our fearless childcare workers have fought off many a coyote, but they can’t protect our children with diapers and I Spy books alone. We must provide them with the most diverse armory to ensure that our children are safe.

Weapon of Choice

No coyote will get into your fingerpainting class with this baby tucked in your desk drawer. The 12-inch chain makes it easy to crush the coyote from a distance like Steve Bannon is crushing democracy 12 inches from the Resolute desk. Once stunned, your concealed sword can jab straight into the heart of our judicial branch the coyote.

Now that Betsy DeVos has officially been declared Secretary of Education we need to stockpile our school’s armories with these key weapons to win the War on Beasts. If you truly care about the future of America– recognize the evil lurking through our woods, deserts, and cafeterias. Arm your crossing guards and groundskeepers. It’s time to make America safe again!

About Jo Anna Van Thuyne 33 Articles
Jo Anna Van Thuyne is an actor, comedian, and producer residing in New York. Her podcast, Apocalypse...Now?, starts September 5th. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Check her Snapchat/Twitter/Insta @JoPincushion. Learn more at joannavanthuyne [dot] com

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