Beauty Tips To Get You Through The Trump Inauguration

Tips For Inaguration

Puffy eyes? Stringy hair? Crumbs in your eyebrows? Girl, you’ve got Trump Face, the look of a woman who has been cucked not only by her friends and family but by Democracy itself.

We’re part of 99% of American women that President Donald Trump has declared dogface ugmo fatty pants losers who couldn’t get laid in a Sleepy’s warehouse sale. This by a homunculus who probably booed during the movie “Mannequin” because he liked the woman better when she was made of wood and had posable limbs instead of the talking nag who wanted to do and see things.

It’s 2017. It’s time to wash away the greasy film of fascism. The T.R.U.M.P. method is simple and effective. You’ll go from feeling “Sad!” to “Amazing!” in no time:

Step 1. – Truth

Splash some cold water on your face and let the shock of reality hit you. We’re fucked. Face it, ladies. We’ve let ourselves go. Whether it’s leaving one armpit unshaven or not bothering to floss or wearing the same gray hummus-stained sweatpants to the bar, we haven’t looked our best since November 8th.

Use a mild cleanser to wash away those layers of 12 weeks slept-in mascara, red wine grime from the corners of your mouth and Cheeto powder from your neck folds. Pat your face dry with a sock and take a long look in the mirror. Your days of eating GoGurt and Jolly Ranchers for dinner and praying something heavy will fall on you are over. Now is a new beginning.

Step 2. – Review

Assess the image that you are projecting onto others. Sensible and work-appropriate looks haven’t garnered us the respect that we thought it would. Hillary may not have won with a seafoam green matte lip and chola brows but she probably would have had more fun losing.

Consider a bolder look in 2017. Shave a stripe into the center of your head, wear red contact lenses, or pierce your eyebrow and connect it to your lip with a heavy chain. Swap that sheer pink lipstick for a mouthful of fake blood. Instead of shading and contouring your face into a pleasing shape, use flour and water to create pustules on your mouth. Instead of a look that says, “how can I help you,” try something that sneers “I can going to kill you.”

Step 3. Ugly

Face it, our president thinks you’re ugly. Our POTUS has made no bones about the fact that he reaches for the Purell at the sight of the short, the too-ethnic, the overweight, the flat-chested, the weak-chinned, the slump-shouldered, the thin-lipped, the hairy, the low-foreheaded, the nearsighted, the unplucked, the pregnant and the bespectacled. His type of woman is blonde and leggy with smooth hands that can go from gracefully illustrating the curves of a new car to whisking a crying newborn out of his sight.

When you feel blue because Trump would call you a Rosie instead of handing you a dozen roses, repeat this beauty affirmation: “I have sparkling eyes, a beautiful soul, and so-so teeth. I have rocked a futon mattress at four in the morning. I have been courted by many suitors despite my unwaxed bikini line and refusal to Botox my neck. I’ve enchanted a bar full of men by drunkenly taking off my bra through the sleeve of my shirt. I am the 99% and I am cute as fuck.”

Step 4. Makeup

We’ve worked hard to disguise our tired eyes with concealer, our pale lips with gloss and our ashen complexions with blush and highlighter. Let your skills with a brush inspire you to dig deep into your cosmetics bag and create characters to undermine this administration in the same way they’re undermining your right to choose.

Smear green and brown lipstick all over your face and then release a suitcase filled with lab mice at the Trump Grill! Put on a short blonde wig and paint on beard stubble and claim on Instagram that you’re Candi, his love child from his relationship with Olympic ice skating legend Peggy Fleming!

Want to take it a step further? Use a little putty and mascara to create wrinkles and moles on your face, stuff a throw pillow under your raincoat for a hump and then follow Trump to his press conferences and scream, “He made love to me, he did! I have his wee baby!” and then throw a meatloaf at the podium.

Step 5. Power


Ladies, think 80’s. Power shoulders, power hair, bold lips and jewelry that can sink a body down into the briny deep. Beauty need not just enhance or disguise. Let it empower, neigh, frighten! Look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I have a head for business, a bod for sin and the will to murder.”

Then power walk to your boss’s office, slam down your power purse say, “I am tired of chasing you down for a review or raise. I am the only thing keeping this office from becoming a feces-filled monkey preserve. I am Lord.”

Then, tell your landlord that you’re not paying more in rent because your heater smells like a rat died in it. Then tell your religious family members that you would rather Zumba in hell then listen to their stupid opinions about how you should live your life. Then write your congressperson and say that if you don’t have access to birth control, you will raise an army of feral children who will roam the streets with sticks and rocks. Then align with your sisters and form a human barricade around the Lincoln Memorial and scream, “Make America Glamorous Again” and then perform a mass vomit.

It’s time to stop turning the other cheek and start exfoliating this administration down to the bone. Remember, your rights are the ultimate gift with purchase. You’ve got the lip, now is the time for the venom.

Lindsay Goldwert is a writer, stand-up comic, and ex-breaking news person. She hosts the Spent podcast and has the opposite of ADD. Follow her on Twitter.


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