10 Ways Not To Make Fun Of Jeff Sessions That Ensure You Won’t Be Prosecuted*

Jeff Sessions

(*Not guaranteed)

Three activists were convicted Wednesday on protest-related charges at Jeff Sessions’ confirmation hearing for attorney general. One woman was arrested for laughing. “Each of the three protesters faces up to 12 months in jail, $2,000 in fines, or both, depending on the outcome of a June 21sentencing hearing,” reported the New York Times.

Below is an official list of what not to do when mocking the AG, compiled by the US Department of Justice.

  1. Thou shalt not toss a pink pussy hat in the Attorney General’s direction with the hope that it landeth on his head. And if thou shalt miss, thou shalt not retry with another pussy hat. The AG hateth hats and hateth pussies.
  2. Thou shalt not make fun of his ears.
  3. Thou shalt not point out that his ears look like they desireth to secede from his face.
  4. Thou shalt not glitter bomb the Attorney General. Glitter maketh a mess and was created by the Devil.
  5. Thou shalt not photo bomb the Attorney General, even if he photo bombeth you.
  6. Thou shalt not misspell Jeff as Geoff. Get it right.
  7. Thou shalt not be shrill. Sessions prefereth a slow, Southern drawl with ample references to “the good ol’ days.” Thou knowest which ones.
  8. Thou shalt neither smoke pot nor think about pot within 500 feet of the Attorney General. Sessions maintaineth a strong aversion to weed, which to him smells like the Devil’s armpit.
  9. Thou shalt not reference his peculiar ears as causing him to resemble this ring-tailed lemur that appears to have forgotten something important.
  10. Thou shalt not read aloud any letters by Coretta Scott King that calleth Sessions unfit for a 1986 federal judge nomination, unless thou art Senator Bernie Sanders, Senator Sherrod Brown, Senator Jeff Merkley, or any man, really. Any man will do.

(originally published on The Belladonna)

Sarah Matusek writes and sometimes performs in NYC. Follow her on Twitter at @SarahMatusek.

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